How NOT to Talk So Your Children Will Listen

There are many books on the market today that teach parents how to talk to their child when he or she misbehaves, but this is the very reason so many parents are still struggling today - talking isn't always the most effective strategy to use.

Why? Well, I heard it best described once that if you use the "Talk and Explain Method" of discipline you are assuming that children are little adults and this just isn't so.

If children were just little adults we could assume that the reason they misbehave or don't cooperate is because they don't have enough information to know how to do the right thing.

Imagine this: Your ten-year-old son is bothering his little sister for the tenth time since they arrived home from school. If you believe that your son is just a little adult, then all you would need to do is to sit him down, look calmly into his eyes, and explain to him why he shouldn't tease his sister.

Again, if you believed your son was a little adult, he would look at you, his face full of understanding and say, "Gee, I never looked at it like that before!" Then he would stop bugging his sister for the rest of the night.

Although this would be nice, it just doesn't work this way the majority of the time. Kids are kids and they don't come into this world with the same logical reasoning skills that we adults have had the chance to practice and develop over time. Kids are concrete learners which means they learn from direct experience. Over time, after experiencing consequences for misbehaviours, they begin to see the effect of their choices. They need to have practice at this, but over time, they begin to gain an understanding of cause and effect and reasoning.

We as parents need to provide them with this practice so that they are able to develop these skills. How does a parent do this? By being clear with their expectations, by being consistent with their follow through on consequences and speaking in a matter-of fact tone of voice. As kids grow older, more talking and explaining can gradually be included in this process and is actually a very positive, effective strategy to use with pre-teens and teens.

Is there any time you should talk to your children in a discipline situation? Yes. If your child displays a new or dangerous behaviour then you can explain why it's not appropriate - just remember to say it in a matter-of-fact voice and keep it short and to the point. Some examples of this are:

1) Your child decides to hit someone
2) Your child decides to jump on the living room sofa
3) Your child uses a new swear word

Your response could go something like this:

"Brian, we don't hit. When we're frustrated, we can stamp our feet or let out a scream, but we don't hit."

Being clear and succinct with our discipline, instead of talking and lecturing, shows results faster and causes less frustration, irritation and distraction for everyone - particularly our children.

Erin Kurt is currently the president of Erin Parenting, a company devoted to empowering parents with the tools, training and support they need to create the family life they truly desire.
She is also the author of Juggling Family Life. To learn more about her book and to sign up for more FREE tips like these, visit her site at http://erinparenting.com/

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